The Derps and Delights of the 2023 Dirt Season So Far
"Clay court in the US is like a unicorn on a skateboard."
An American man has not won the French Open since 1999, when Andre Agassi, vying for the fourth and final trophy he needed to complete the vaunted career Grand Slam1, came back from two sets down in the Men’s Singles Final to hoist the Coupe des Mousquetaires on the red clay of Roland Garros. Not even Pete Sampras, a 14-time Grand Slam champion and Agassi’s chief rival, managed to match the feat—hélas, he could never go the distance in Paris. Among his 13 trips to the French Open, Sampras’s deepest run only brought him to the semifinals, where the trickier qualities of the natural surface—balls move slower but spin faster, bounce higher and less predictably—neutralized the serve-and-volley game that had made him his generation’s most dominant player. In the near-quarter century since Agassi’s win, Americans have underperformed firmly in the Sampras mold on the clay, which isn’t clay at all but pulverized brick. In tournaments from Rio to Monte Carlo to Marrakesh, an American playing tennis on clay is likely to end up in the same diminished, unrecognizable state as the stuff below their sneakers: absolutely pulverized.
Why do Americans suck so bad on the dirt? The Occam’s Razor explanation identifies the issue as a simple matter of resource allocation, since more than 70% of tennis courts in the United States are concrete or asphalt hard courts topped with an acrylic coating, and a healthy portion of the remaining 30% are indoor hard courts in the colder northern regions. (Anecdotally, I’d peg the percentage of clay courts in the US at ~12%, with most of them concentrated in states with high populations and tennis-friendly weather, meaning California, Texas, and Florida.) These figures, though innocuous enough, are at least a little representative of a national ethos, too. Concrete courts are much cheaper to build in a country riven with highways and obsessed with cars, and they cost a lot less to maintain in a culture where infrastructure is expected to crumble or collapse before any plans for repairs even make it to a local council meeting. A contrast: In Germany, 95% of tennis courts are clay.
It’s entirely possible that Americans can’t hack it on clay due to their lack of experience with the surface, no further analysis required, but this feels like a case where the straightforward explanation is both less fun and incomplete. My theory? Americans just don’t have the attention spans for the clay. We watch too much TV, are addicted to our smartphones, and don’t read enough works of great literature. The USTA might be well-served building more clay courts at their training complexes, but that may not power improvement like forcing the next generation of junior players to read and discuss The Last Samurai or Underworld. Even then, the road to competitiveness would be a long one. I’ve read both of those books. My all-time record on clay in my rec league is 1-12.
To quote the most tennis-infused of XXL American novels: “Tennis’s beauty’s infinite roots are self-competitive. You compete with your own limits to transcend the self in imagination and execution. Disappear inside the game: break through limits: transcend: improve: win.” But how do you “defeat yourself” on a surface that illustrates how unfixed the self is?
In that respect, the infinite roots of beauty here may be that clay tennis is self-competitive and self-obliterating. It’s where strengths become liabilities, champions are turned into mediocrities. No matter what country they’re from, the best tennis players must be ready and able descend from the sport’s hallowed and pristine heights to fight for their lives—and their very sense of self—down in the dirt. Here are the derps and delights of the 2023 clay season so far.
The Derps and Delights of the 2023 Dirt Season So Far
Quite Delightful, Somewhat Derp-y: Foki Flips Over the Net
Context: Any player who touches the net during a point immediately concedes that point, as Alejandro Davidovich-Fokina did here. “Foki” has established himself as the most feast-or-famine player on the men’s tour, capable of presenting the level of a World #1 and a World #9,000,000,000 in the span of a single game. Few players are as fun (or as maddening) to root for as a result. He also runs an adorably branded animal rescue in Spain.
A Delight with Minimal Derp: Aryna Sabalenka Pretends to Smash the Window of Iga Swiatek’s Porsche
A new Porsche goes to the winner of the annual WTA event in Stuttgart, where the luxury car manufacturer and its cartoonishly futuristic museum are headquartered. This year’s runner-up, Aryna Sabalenka, argued in her post-match speech that second-place finishers should receive a fancy car as well. She then congratulated her opponent, Iga Swiatek, by pretending to smash in the windows of her Panamera. “Guys, I’m really tired of playing in this final and leaving this tournament without the car,” Sabalenka said.
Delightfully Nuts, If a Tad Derp: The Warmup Routine of Tennis’s Latest Enfant Terrible, Holger Rune
Nuclear Derp: Assorted Sexism Scandals at the Madrid Open
In the gender equality dark ages of the 2000s, the organizers of the Madrid Open had the novel idea to start hiring their ball girls exclusively from Spanish modeling agencies, a policy that continues to this day and invites an annual cycle of criticism that changes nothing. (The tournament’s original, pretty derpy response to the criticism was to begin recruiting male models to act as ball boys for the women’s matches.) But in 2023, the cyclical return of the crop top to mainstream fashion finally forced the organizers’ hands. The ball girls were ordered to dress like Adam Sandler, and, not unrelatedly, the winners of the Women’s Doubles tournament weren’t allowed to speak after their victory.
Very Delightful, Very Derpy: Rublev Surprises Everyone and Himself by Hitting a Drop Shot and a Lob on the Same Point (and Wins Monte Carlo)
If you skip to the 9:50 mark of the above video, you will see the ever-one-dimensional Andrey Rublev hit a drop shot and a lob on the same point, a series of events that would have felt impossible just 30 seconds earlier. After coming up short in his first 42 Masters 1000 appearances, which included playing in two finals and two semifinals, Rublev defeated Holger Rune to win the 2023 Monte Carlo Masters. A total, delightful shock.
Meaning the player has won each of the four Grand Slam singles titles at the Australian Open, the French Open, Wimbledon, and the US Open.